Culinary oxymorons, or the “EWWWWWW!” quotient.
It all started with the Velveeta Fudge.
“Hey, Sue, how about this? Velveeta Fudge.”
King Arthur’s test kitchen director, Sue Gray, is a woman with an exquisitely refined palate. Not to say she doesn’t enjoy the odd slaw dog or Ring Ding along with the rest of the world, but she can also sniff out the extra 1/16 teaspoon of cloves in a batch of spice cookies, or the smidgen of baking soda that made those cookies fall on the wrong side of the line, texture-wise.
“Velveeta…. Fudge.” Sue’s lips pursed; her nose wrinkled daintily. Her face wore that “I think the cat missed the litterbox again” look. “Well… I suppose it MIGHT be interesting,” she allowed.
“Susan: Velveeta Fudge.”
Susan Reid is editor of King Arthur’s newsletter, “The Baking Sheet,” and a co-author of our three award-winning cookbooks. Her reaction mirrored mine exactly.
“EWWWWWWWWW!”
But then she put on what she calls her “mad scientist hat,” and backtracked a bit with “Well, it MIGHT be interesting if you…”
That’s life in the King Arthur Flour test kitchen. Most of the time we work on straightforward projects: developing new flavors for our line of mixes, as Sue is doing now. Working on “Guaranteed Classics,” a new section of our online recipe archive that Susan and I are both currently devoting long hours to. (Look for its launch in late July, if we can figure out the perfect versions of those 30 “guaranteed classic” recipes by then!)
But sometimes we wander down culinary paths untrod by the masses. Personally, I’m a fool for quirky little cooking newsletters. Maybe that’s because “The Baking Sheet,” which I used to put together years ago, was at one time itself a quirky little newsletter. Example: I once mailed our subscribers 9 issues one year, instead of 8, because I lost track of time. Oh well…
I get lots of QLNs in my mailbox. Trust me, there’s no online version of any of these. They’re more likely to arrive photocopied and hand-addressed. But they do contain some hidden gems, recipe-wise. Stuff like… Velveeta Fudge. And Ritz cracker squares, from the current issue of my very favorite QLN, Cook & Tell. If you can’t read the contact information in the picture below, visit cookandtell.com. And tell Karyl I sent you.
So, after all that you thought you were going to see a recipe for Velveeta Fudge, right? Sorry. I haven’t tried it yet. I still have to make the crucial choice between Classic Velveeta, or Pepper Jack Velveeta, for fudge with that certain je ne sais quoi. But I had this other recipe I’d been meaning to try, something from a QLN put out by a couple of restaurant guys (Mike and Dave, maybe? Sorry, fellas, I don’t have a current copy…) I grabbed my recipe and headed out to the test kitchen to make…
Oh sure, the concept—the name—got the usual “EWWWWWW” reaction around here. But once I put slices of this moist, spicy loaf cake out in the testing area, it disappeared quickly. “What was in that cake? It was DELICIOUS!” Hmmmm, was it the beans or the pork that made it so tasty…? Frankly, it was our favorite secret ingredient: King Arthur Flour. Which, Merlin-like, can turn even a can of pork and beans…
…into something spectacular.
First open the can of pork & beans. It’s really easy these days, due to the pop-top lid.
Note: if you add the lid to the sugar and eggs and vegetable oil along with the beans, fish it out.
Beat it all up. Note the floating beans; keep beating…
…till the mixture looks more like this. The whole beans should mostly disappear.
Add the flour, spices, and leaveners.
Beat again, then add the raisins.
Pour the mixture into two 8 1/2” x 4 1/2” greased loaf pans. Notice that I got fancy with the cake on the left, and sprinkled it with cinnamon sugar.
WOW. 65 minutes later—two cakes! The cinnamon-sugar experiment was a partial success; it looked kind of messy (or “rustic,” which is our test-kitchen term for “messy”), but it was delicious.
I mean, how can you resist? Tiny flecks of bean (the pork disappeared entirely) mingle with golden raisins in this cinnamon-scented, ultra-moist cake.
P.S. I also have to write about Soy Sauce Chocolate Syrup here. The author of this recipe notes, “The soy sauce with its salty brewed flavor depresses the extra sweetness typical of chocolate syrups and enhances the richness of cocoa powder. It also helps blend dairy notes and enhances the fruit top notes of the cocoa. The result: a deep, nutty, roasted chocolate flavor with a rich color.” How could I possibly resist that come-on?
I made it. I sampled it. I left it on Susan’s desk for her opinion. We agreed.
“EWWWWWW!”
“Bosco,” said Susan.
“With soy sauce,” I added.
Don’t go there.
Do you have a favorite EWWWWWWW recipe? Leave your story in “post a comment” (below).
March 20, 2008: So, since I posted this blog, there’s been a veritable flood of requests for the Velveeta Fudge recipe. Well, maybe more a trickle than a flood, but still… Kyle, I promised you I’d try this, so here it is:
I have no clue where I found this recipe, but it’s been in my candy folder for years. I suspect I got it in Maine, “Belva” and “Hamlin” both being familiar Maine names. So, Belva—thank you for this.
First, go to the store and buy Velveeta. I found it at the top of the dairy case, right there next to the Cheez Whiz.
Peel back the foil. Since I bought a 1-pound block of Velveeta, I needed to cut it in half to get the required 8 ounces. This was easy; Velveeta cuts like a dream.
I melted the Velveeta and butter in the microwave till everything was pretty soft. Then I stirred it all with a spatula till it was smooth.
Well, pretty smooth. The Velveeta was kind of lumpy, but I could tell it was soft enough to blend right in once I added the rest of the ingredients.
And here we go: 2 pounds of confectioners’ sugar, cocoa, nuts, vanilla…
…and Bob’s your uncle: Velveeta Fudge!
The recipe says to pour it into a 9” x 9” pan. Well, this baby wasn’t about to pour. It was more of a “dump and thunk.”
I smoothed it out with my fingers…
…then finished it off with a pastry roller. I love this little roller; so handy for getting into the corners of pans when you’re making… well, Velveeta Fudge.
And there you have it, in all its cheesy glory. Our taste testers (i.e., the customer service folks) didn’t know it was made from Velveeta, and gave it good marks for its flavor. Several didn’t like its soft texture, preferring a more traditional “hard” fudge. But other than that—it’s a go!
March 17th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Do you think this can be done with vegetarian baked beans? I am intrigued!
March 17th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
What are you guys drinking? I thought I’d heard it all. But then I’m one of the older broads around here.
You’re really onto something about the Pillsbury Bake-Off. I have a collection of the “Best of the Bake-Off” cookbooks from the ’60’s, and some of those were pretty trashy, even for the ’60’s. When a recipe starts with a pre-packaged dough mix…they lose me instantly.
Keep this blog going….I need something to lighten my life right now.
And thanks!
March 17th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
sorry but….Yukky!!! (to the p&b bread I mean)…
March 18th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Tina, the cake can totally be done with vegetarian baked beans. Great idea - I mean, who needs that little wad of pork fat in there, anyway… Sorry - for those of you who think this whole idea is “yukky” (Trish!), this probably just made it sound worse. All I can do is echo that long-ago ad for (what?) - “Try it - you’ll like it!” The beans are mostly starch, so they keep the cake moist. The sauce the beans are in is mostly brown sugar, so that goes well. As for the pork… well, what can I say other than that people used lard in piecrusts for years, and I didn’t hear a lot of disgust concerning THAT practice. All you naysayers out there — have I helped convince you? : )
March 18th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
A recipe for one of these cakes was featured recently in our hometown newspaper. I usually get invited to preview all the recipes and it was Really, Really good. I asked which “baked beans” she made it with, and turns out it was Bush’s Maple Baked Beans. The Maple gave it a really good flavor with the spices.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Well…as someone who has only just made the leap into putting maraschino cherries into applesauce cake after over 30 years of baking (and even then, I needed Roland Mesnier’s imprimateur to get me over the hurdle), I will admit to shivering at the idea of pork & beans cake. But as someone who trusts your judgment, I will give it the benefit of the doubt, especially since your deconstruction of the recipe makes it sound a little less out-there.
I’m still drawing the line at Velveeta Fudge, though.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
‘Round these parts people put grape jelly in their meatballs/sauce. EWWWWWWWW is what I say to that too. I’ve heard of the velveeta fudge. Same response.
EWWWWWWWW is also appropriate for most of this years Pillsbury finalists.
March 19th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Even being a vegetarian and disgusted by pork in cake, the Pork&Beans Cake sounds better to me than Velveeta Fudge (though I’ve heard of the recipe before and that it is really great fudge). At least the beans are natural food–unlike Velveeta which is “plastic cheese” and totally processed “ick”. I’d go for the vegetarian beans and a good natural brand to test it but I probably will because it fascinates me to try it and hear people talk about the bread. Thanks for the fun!!
March 19th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I am very much into the sweet/savory combination these days, and since pork products (think brown sugar bacon or honey-glazed ham) are such a natural pair for something sweet, I bet this would be great. And hey… throw in a ’side dish’ of sticky rice and mango and you’ve got a dessert that is a complete protien!
Oh and PJ… don’t think you’re going to hold out on us with that Velveeta fudge recipe. We want it!
March 19th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
And just to prove beans in dessert isn’t totally unusual… check out the 101 Cookbooks post from Monday 3/17… Black Bean Brownies!
http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/amazing-black-bean-brownies-recipe.html
March 20th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Good Morning:
The weather outside is raining and I am sitting here with my first cup of coffee trying to get motivated and I opened up my email and am reading all of the comments and seeing the receipes and having a chuckle.
I learned to bake from my grandmothers and my mom and I have tons of their old receipes but Velvetta Fudge takes the cake - LOL.
I may just try the pork and beans cake as it does sound interesting plus my husband loves pork and beans so it would be a fun way to feed it to him.
Stay dry and have a nice weekend.
March 23rd, 2008 at 7:39 pm
I made the Pork & Beans cake today with the following modifications:
* 1 cup white sugar, 1/2 cup Splenda baking brown sugar for baking
* 1/2 oil, 1/2 unsweetened applesauce
* Bush vegetarian baked beans
The cake came out GREAT. Very moist and spicy. I LOVE IT! My 16 year old stepson tried it and liked it. He even kept eating it after I told him what was in it, which really surprised me. He’s a very picky eater!
I’ll definitely make this one again!
March 23rd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Thanks for the good input on substitutions, Kim. AND the fact that not only could you get your picky 16-year-old to eat it - he enjoyed it!
March 24th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Velveeta fudge….. I can NOT thank you enough! Seriously, I was trying to figure a one week away birthday gift for a dear friend who truly has everything in the material world. I was thinking of buying her multi-packs of Velveeta-her family loves it. Now, she will be presented with a double batch of Velveeta fudge on her birthday and I bet NO ONE else comes close to anything quite as “creative”. I’ve made them dozens of Cookie recipes from the King Arthur Cookie cookbook - ALL of them a hit but this will “take the cake”! You have made my day!! : ) For
Easter I made a 4-layer meringue praline buttercream torte with almonds ….. this will be a tad : ) less ‘high brow’ but a LOT of fun for a birthday. Thank you again!
March 24th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Well, Ronald, glad I could be of service! You just never know when a Velveeta fudge recipe is going to come in handy, do you? And to think I’ve been carrying it around with me all these years, and had never actually tried it till now. Best of luck and I hope your friend enjoys the DOUBLE batch of this unusual - uh, weird? - fudge. Me, I think I’d prefer the four-layer meringue praline buttercream torte with almonds… sounds delightful! Enjoy- and thanks for connecting.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I am sitting here and laughing wwwaaayyy too much. I have an older dear friend in Missouri and she gave me the recipe for the velveeta fudge recipe about a year ago. I must say I could not bring myself to make it and I think she knew it. Well…She made me a batch of it and it is wonderful!!! So try not to be to timid with this recipe and give a try. Have to admit it would make a great surprise for those who dont know the ingredient when you serve it. At the very least a good laugh for everyone who will enjoy this recipe.
ENJOY!!!!
March 24th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
I’ve been making Velveeta Fudge, or at least a version of it, for years. Maybe back to the ’80s I really can’t remember when I first started to use this recipe. But it’s been the only fudge recipe I use because it is so easy. My recipe, which I cut out of a magazine, is called “Easy Cheesy Fudge”. The recipe is new enough to have nutritonal info at the end of the recipe and was under the title “Food”. The orginal recipe calls for “Packaged cheese spread” but the first time I wanted to make the fudge I didn’t have any, so I used cream cheese as a subsitite. It was so good I never bothered to try the Velveeta. And since it has the cream cheese in it, I store the fudge in the fridge, where it hardens up and has a creamy firm texture when served. Thanks for running the story, earlier today I happened to make a batch! (no kidding!!) What a surprise to then open my email and read about this novel Fudge.
March 25th, 2008 at 5:18 am
Diane, I think that’s the really fun thing about this recipe - the amount of laughing it engenders. (Along with the EWWWWW…) And Donna, I will totally try this with cream cheese. AND put it in the fridge to harden it up. Thanks for the tips. And thanks for connecting, everyone-
March 25th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Dear PJ,
FYI, the ‘Try it, you’ll like it’ line comes from an ad for Alka Seltzer, dating back to the 70’s. The next line is a groaning, ‘Thought I was gonna die!’ Then plop, plop, fizz, fizz comes to the rescue.
So ‘try it, you’ll like it’ is not necessarily a great recommendation. in that context.
March 25th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Well, Tena - thanks for the info. - I think! “Plop plop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is” springs readily to mind, I just didn’t remember the “Try it, you’ll like it” coming beforehand. Luckily, so far no one has complained about needing Alka-Seltzer after eating this cake… Cheers-
March 26th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
So I made the bread with vegetarian baked beans (just Heinz) and modified it a bit with the oil and sugar - came out BRILLIANTLY. Is a great mixed in with coffee frozen yogurt/ice cream. Very spicy and has a great mouthfeel. Thanks PJ!!
March 31st, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Interesting, reminds me of the tomato soup cake I made. Everyone thought it was spice cake. It is delicious! They were amazed after I told them what was really in it.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
My mother served us some Velveeta fudge years ago and was very proud of her “secret ingredient”. Unfortunately it was the second time my husband had eaten Velveeta cheese (I had never cooked with it before) and it confirmed that he was highly allergic to something in it - probably the chemicals they use to make it - because even the small amount of fudge he ate made him sick. Needless to say I’ve never made that fudge recipe!
May 19th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
My sister (who is a good and adventurous cook and baker) served me (who also likes baking and cooking) some very interesting muffins. We rarely use mixes, so this was somewhat of a departure.
1 can cannelilini beans
1 box of Krusteaz muffin mix (pick one)
Mix up the beans with liquid in blender or processor. Add mix. Bake. Surprisingly, this does not taste beanie.
This was inspired by the original:
one can of black beans
one brownie mix
Same process. Less interesting!
Who knows why it works! And how in heavens name did someone get the idea of black bean brownies. Where can we go from here? Refried bean cornbread? Garbonzo bundt?